Having to go to a place that I hate being almost every single day is starting to take it’s toll.
So happy I could fucking cry. Almost a whole year and thousands of dollars later and today is the day I put everything from the accident are behind me. (Taken with instagram)
Fucking hormones and about to get my period and making me cry for no reason hmph I just want my girlfriend.
So Tuesday marks my girlfriend and mines 10 month anniversary. Throughout these 10 months we have been through so much together. She’s all I think about 24/7. She’s currently asleep in my room and I’m resisting my selfish urge to go in and wake her up for cuddles because I know she needs rest for work and I don’t even know why I’m up at this hour. Today while she’s at work I’ll linger around all day just waiting for her to finish so I can hug her again. She amazes me, the way she makes me feel, how she doesn’t even have to do anything to make me happy. Yes, we fight sometimes but what couple doesn’t? And it’s only made our relationship stronger, I know that she will stick by me through anything and everything. She makes me a better person. She’s mine, and that’s how I want it to be for the rest of my life.
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Just cry, and cut, and smoke, and take drugs, and fuck whoever you want, punch, kick, slap, fight, be reckless and don’t give a fuck.
Because everyone’s going to die, and no one will remember. So who fucking cares. Nothing is worth it.
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This is the first ever Christmas that I’ve been in a relationship, and yet I’m spending my night sitting at home, alone.
I’m starting to lose faith.
Waiting…waiting…waiting.
Waiting for things to change, to get better. Every time, every single fucking time, I feel like I’m getting closer, I just get shot down again. I miss the way I used to be, so much. People actually thought I was happy, that I didn’t have a worry in the world. I preferred it when people believed that. Then that ended up making me weaker and eventually ended in me falling apart. Now I can’t even remember how to pretend. It used to be so easy, effortless. I didn’t know any other way. The day before my birthday I went to the doctor, turns out I have anxiety and depression. Fucking excellent. I’ve come to the conclusion that I have practically no friends. My life revolves around working for shit money to fix every mistake that I’ve made. Considering I thought I was going to have a shit night on the night of my birthday due to being dogged harder than I have ever been in my life, I actually had a pretty amazing night, even if it was a short night.
I’ve come to realise that this blog isn’t anything to me anymore other than a place to vent, and that often the post doesn’t even go anywhere or have any structure or make any sense half the time. I just write what’s in my head, or what my head can put into words. I figured I don’t really have anyone to talk to, so I talk to myself, through text. Constantly telling myself that my life is a train wreck, pretty much.
Ugh. Fuck everything.
That heart-crushing moment when you realise you don’t know who you are anymore.
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I’m not fucking coping.
Every night for the past week I’ve cried myself to sleep. I feel so fucking alone. I’m so tired. My life is exhausting. In the end is it even worth it? Who’s going to remember me when I’m gone? Ok, maybe a few people, maybe. But then what? I’m not achieving anything by being here.
I’m a fucking inconvenience.
I turn 18 in 11 days. For the past 3 or 4 years I’ve had so many plans and been so excited for this day to come and now as the days go by I care less and less that it’s coming. My life’s turned into a train wreck. Every time I take a step forward I get thrown back to the fucking ground. I want to go back 6 months. Fuck, I want to go back years.
I hate myself. I hate what I’ve become and I hate who I’ve been.
I fucked up my life. And now I’m broken.
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Today, I felt my world fall apart. I felt broken, worthless, upset, ashamed. And then I felt empty. I cried for a long time, and then all of a sudden I just stopped. And I just sat, and stared. It’s probably a good thing that I wasn’t at home when all this was happening, because I can only assume it wouldn’t have ended well. So many ideas started running through my head. Things that I’ve dreamt before, and things I never thought I could even imagine, started filling my mind. I didn’t know what I was going to do. But before I did it, I had to say goodbye. And fuck, that was probably the best thing I could’ve done. Not probably, there is nothing else I could have done that would have ended as well as me going to say goodbye. I didn’t even know what I wanted to say, I just needed to see her. And then she hugged me, and I started crying again. She held me, told me it was going to be ok, she promised me that. And even though she was the reason I felt empty, the reason I’d cried, she made it all go away just as quickly.
How is it that one person has the ability to turn your world upside down with just a few words, and then back again so easily?
I also went to go see my grandpa. Again, I knew where he was, despite not being there for years. I miss him so much. I was 14 when he passed away, but I feel like I didn’t really get the chance to know him. He’s one of my heroes, and that’s why when I turn 18 I’ll be getting a portrait of him tattooed on my body. I love you Pa.
Today I went to the cemetery, to go and see my brother. I haven’t been there for years, but I knew exactly where he was. Whenever I feel down I think about him. If he was here, I wouldn’t be. But he’s not, and I am, so everyday I tell myself that no matter how hard I feel things are getting, I have to hang in there, for Alex. He didn’t get the chance to be here and live his own life, and I’m not going to throw mine away like it’s worth nothing, because I couldn’t have been here as easily as he was taken before he had a chance. It’s funny how things work. Imagine he had been born and everything went as normal, and I would never have existed. Whose lives would be totally different?
I can only assume that if anyone’s life was different, it would be for the better.
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